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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Lately

I've spent that last almost two weeks seriously boo'd up working on this relationship.  As usual, I continue to learn so much about me, him and us.


  • It took him "letting" me go for me to realize that I couldn't use leaving as emotional torture.  I'm not even sure he did that on purpose
  • Losing him helped me realize what I had and to appreciate it.
  • Growing up around bitter man hating woman and/or woman in terrible relationships taught me ALL the wrong things about how relationships and love work.
  • I recall as a kid thinking love was a woman chasing a man and the man doing all he could to not be caught.
  • I watched my mother in ridiculous relationships thinking that shit was normal.  NO.  In fact, I witnessed this with all of the woman in my family.  The one family member who stuck with her husband through it all was the "stupid" one who should have left a long time ago because he wasn't shit.  
  • I disliked him being so emotional because he was freely doing what I was afraid to do....love openly and unapologetically.  
  • He is as intuitive as I am.  We respond to each other.  He knew when I wasn't really in it.
  • I'm learning to totally let go and not listen to the demons that whisper in my ear to destroy what's good.
  • I'm planning a whole blog series on my demons because you care.
  • Even though its still tough and takes a LOT of pushing on his part...I'm learning to express my feelings and discuss them THEN and not later.
  • This month makes a year.  We don't know the date we just know we made the decision to cross the friend line and let this love thing work in May of 2011.
  • I remember the phone call where he challenged me and asked me if I loved him.  I froze.  I was just getting in from the strip club since we usually talked on my way home.  His way of making sure I was safe.  Since I couldn't answer he basically laid it out like "I know you feel it like I do. I know you can see this connection growing stronger.  I know you love me just like I love you"  That's not verbatim but basically how it went.  He was right and I couldn't deny it.
  • I kept saying it was because I had been drinking and not "thinking" that I didn't just tell him then that nah I don't like you like that homie.  Really I was open and unable to bullshit myself.  Alcohol is truth serum.  I wasn't drunk though.  Just saying.
  • He was safe then because he lived in a different state working so even though I admitted how I felt I didn't have to really act on it for a while.  He visited two months later and never went back.
  • I love him...period.  I'll never forget how good it felt to see him again after we split....well I left.
  • The more I practice this not being an emotional hologram thing the better I seem to get at it.
More to come...