- It took him "letting" me go for me to realize that I couldn't use leaving as emotional torture. I'm not even sure he did that on purpose
- Losing him helped me realize what I had and to appreciate it.
- Growing up around bitter man hating woman and/or woman in terrible relationships taught me ALL the wrong things about how relationships and love work.
- I recall as a kid thinking love was a woman chasing a man and the man doing all he could to not be caught.
- I watched my mother in ridiculous relationships thinking that shit was normal. NO. In fact, I witnessed this with all of the woman in my family. The one family member who stuck with her husband through it all was the "stupid" one who should have left a long time ago because he wasn't shit.
- I disliked him being so emotional because he was freely doing what I was afraid to do....love openly and unapologetically.
- He is as intuitive as I am. We respond to each other. He knew when I wasn't really in it.
- I'm learning to totally let go and not listen to the demons that whisper in my ear to destroy what's good.
- I'm planning a whole blog series on my demons because you care.
- Even though its still tough and takes a LOT of pushing on his part...I'm learning to express my feelings and discuss them THEN and not later.
- This month makes a year. We don't know the date we just know we made the decision to cross the friend line and let this love thing work in May of 2011.
- I remember the phone call where he challenged me and asked me if I loved him. I froze. I was just getting in from the strip club since we usually talked on my way home. His way of making sure I was safe. Since I couldn't answer he basically laid it out like "I know you feel it like I do. I know you can see this connection growing stronger. I know you love me just like I love you" That's not verbatim but basically how it went. He was right and I couldn't deny it.
- I kept saying it was because I had been drinking and not "thinking" that I didn't just tell him then that nah I don't like you like that homie. Really I was open and unable to bullshit myself. Alcohol is truth serum. I wasn't drunk though. Just saying.
- He was safe then because he lived in a different state working so even though I admitted how I felt I didn't have to really act on it for a while. He visited two months later and never went back.
- I love him...period. I'll never forget how good it felt to see him again after we split....well I left.
- The more I practice this not being an emotional hologram thing the better I seem to get at it.
More to come...