If I ain't got you...

What played in my mind, in my heart and in real life when he let me back in...

Until Its Gone

That saying will always hold true...you don't know what you have until its gone.  For me its a little more than that.  See I think slightly higher of myself than I should.  That's not me taking a stab at my own self esteem.  I should attempt to explain...

When he knows your secrets

When he knows every flaw

When he wakes up and thinks of you 

When he prays for you daily

When he goes to bed thinking of you

When he calls you every chance he gets every day

When he goes out of his way to show you love

When he tells you how he feels about you multiple times a day

When he is willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy

When he keeps your car cleaner than his own

When he cooks and cleans and does YOUR laundry

When he loves your kids and says they are his too

When he puts up with your sometimey cat

When he buys you flowers every chance he gets

When he rubs your temples when you have a headache

When he shares his food with you even though you don't share yours

When he irons your work clothes for you

When he runs your bath water and puts rose petals in it

When he writes you poems

When he holds you tight after you make love and you notice a tear or two

When he wears those ridiculous bikini briefs that you think are sexy but are really uncomfortable

I could go on like this for a while but I think you understand what I mean.  He is not perfect by a long shot but neither am I. When I stop and realize that I have what so many woman dream about....I smile.   He may not ever be rich.  He may not ever be able to fly me off to a foreign land or anything else extravagant.  Our credit scores are as close to each other as our birthdays.  That's hilarious.  All of the things he is not is nothing compared to all the things he is.

So I had to check myself.  Seriously.

• He loves my hair...even when I don't
• My skin is a mess.  From stretch marks to dark spots from allergic rashes from childhood, etc.
• I bite the skin around my nails (anxiety)
• I'll never be skinny.  I don't even want to be
• I'm dark skinned in a world that believes we aren't beautiful
• I have two kids by two different men
• My oldest is no where near independent and she should be
• I rarely sleep peacefully which means when he's here he can't either
• I fart in my sleep.  *shrugs* 
• I have medical issues
• I'm a smartass since birth. 
• I'm unemployed at the moment
• My relationship with my family is not what it should be

I wont go on and on but you get the idea.  Those are true statements not me taking stabs at myself.  The point is, through all of that truth...he loved me anyway.  None of those things stopped him from seeing my beauty, my brains, my heart, etc.  Yet all it took was me "thinking" something wasn't right and I shut down shop and put the closed sign up. 

Yea...I was trippin.

Mannish

There are so many updates they can't be contained in one post.  The weekend was successful in that I was able to restore some order to my life and my relationship with Him.  Since I'm sure I'll be talking about him a lot I'll call him Mufasa.  So here is a list of the last few days as I attempt to sort out my thoughts and feelings into more meaningful posts:

• After my self attempt to convince him that he was wrong went the opposite way, I sought comfort in an old friend.  My best friend who I met in middle school called me out of the blue.  We hadn't spoken to each other in..probably a year or so.
• After speaking to her...catching up and letting my resent life events flow she helped me realize a few things. She put me and my situation in perspective and probably doesn't even realize it.  
• Her words along with his convinced me that I needed to do something.  Once I made the decision that the relationship was worth saving I went about the business of saving it.
• A coworker said something that often repeats when I feel like I HAVE to let Mufasa know that I am right and he is wrong.  "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy".
• I realize that makes it seem like I made my decision to go back and not run away because I was unhappy without him...that's partially true.
• I realized that I made a mistake.  I made a decision without considering the entire situation.  I walked away because it was easy, convenient and familiar.  He was not blameless in any of it, but for me to heal ME it became necessary to take care of my part and let him take care of his.
• We met for lunch but seeing him after almost a month apart and that hug that was supposed to be a quick cordial greeting turned into something so very different.  The stone walls turned into little white picket fences.
• He asked, "Why did you just leave"  I responded through painful tears, "It's all I know".  He lightened the mood by summing it up with "you are just like a little kid, get mad at the playground, take your ball and just go home so nobody can play...you're so mannish".  We just laughed at that point because he was right.
• At this very moment, its like nothing ever happened.
• I said before that you can't go through life with someone holding a mirror in front of you ever step of the way...yes you can.  Sorta. 
• There is NO relationship book/advice column/sister girl conversation/etc. that can tell you how to maneuver successfully.  You just have to do it.  It's like dancing and not being afraid who sees you or what they think about it.  Whether you have the steps down or look like a fool.  You just have to decide that you want to dance and then ... dance.
• If I do not continue to find ways to combat and remove these demons...they are going to continue to sabotage everything good in my life.

The quest continues...

Epiphany

The last 10 hours have been a journey by themselves.  I watched Couples Therapy on VH1 last night by accident.  The tv was on but on mute as I was talking on the phone.  I needed a distraction from all the emotions that the call revealed so I turned to the tv.  I watched and saw a man who I am familiar with.  DMX.  I got real connected with Earl back in the day because his music resonated with me in a way I didn't understand. I read his book and it took me to familiar places.  I read it on one day and immediately put it away as I had learned to do with every feeling I am ill equipped to handle.  As the relationship that I blog about falls apart around me, I stopped to think a little bit.  HE and I spoke on the phone last night.  First time really since I sent that text "We have nothing to talk about.  I am done"

The purpose of the call was selfish.  I STILL had to find a way to make sure he understood why I did and said all that I did and that I was right and he was wrong.  In the nicest way possible.  But what I learned in the phone call that lasted about an hour and ended as painfully as I'm sure it felt to him to read the words "I'm done" by text message is that I wasn't right.  I figured that out and expressed that to him during the call.  But what happened after that phone call as it all registered through my mind...was remarkable to me.  

You will have to read this from the bottom to the top.  This is my twitter page and the tweets that I had to share this morning as I uncovered more of my truth.  I reference the recent Tupac resurrection through technology as well as the clip I linked above about couples therapy.  You'll need to know these things for this thought process to make sense.  I tried to enlarge it as best I could but with my limited abilities this is all I could do.

Another Lesson Learned

I learned a valuable lesson about life and about myself tonight.  Actually so many lessons.  I'm a list person (as you will get to know) so here it is..

• I was so busy making sure that he wasn't able to hurt me that I never let him in...which hurt him.  Tremendously.
• Once you turn your back on someone...no matter how many times you apologize and explain yourself they may never hear you or allow you back in.
• Once we got to a point where we weren't connecting anymore...it was just a matter of time.  I was too busy thinking "its him he's too emotional" that I didn't stop to see what I was doing to cause the problem
• You can't shut the door on someone when your angry and then later return to open it when you feel better expecting them to be there waiting on you.
• He's forever closed off to me...can't hear a word I'm saying as I try to explain and understand and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.
• I am an emotional control freak.
• I will shut down and cease all operations when I feel my emotions are threatened and there is nothing you can do about it.
• I will then come at you later on once I feel ready to deal with it expecting you to be ready also.
• I am who I am...I refuse to apologize for that ever again.
• I will attempt to be better at this but ultimately the one person in the world who is "my one" if that even exists anymore is either going to be strong enough to maneuver within that or assist me with it.
• Or I am going to die alone with a cat.
• He said some words to me that truly hit home "I could have walked away from you many times and I didn't.  Times when another man would have jumped on you (he is speaking on something no one knows about but he and I) but I never walked away.  Times when I should have and wanted to give up and I didn't...but you so easily said to me ::We have nothing to talk about I'm done".  and then he was silent as if to allow that to sink into my controlling head.  He was right.
• I wanted him to be there for me after I took away from him the only thing he felt he had from me...what little emotion I had ever shared.  How does that make sense?
• I understand now.
• Our relationship was killed by cause and effect.
• As I type this I am realizing that my need to control everything around me to keep my sanity has removed the one thing I worked so hard to keep...my best friend.
• That feels like lose sanity to gain love...that can't be right.
• He is not completely blameless...we just saw every situation from a completely different angle.
• When you are not on the same page, you can regroup and get it together.
• When you are not even at the same library or reading in the same language...its over.
• It would have been easier to be angry, say it was all his fault and skip past this like it wasn't significant.  I won't lie to myself.  For the first time in my life I had somebody who loved me the way I had always dreamed I'd be loved....and it was more than I could handle.
• What I called "too emotional"...wasn't that at all.
• Even my attempt to "let's be friends" is nothing more than another attempt to control.
• I don't know how to not be this way.
• To love someone as completely as I thought I did, why or how was it so easy for me to shut down?  Because its all I know.
• I needed him...but did all I could to make it so he didn't realize it.  Tonight I struggled to convey that to him and he was silent.  I thought it was because he was feeling my words and my tears....it was because he's being a stone wall.  The wall I built.
• Right now I'm trying to live my life like he wasn't significant to me.  How is that living in the truth I keep saying I live in?  Its not.
• I'm STILL right this moment while I'm floating in these emotions that are attempting to swallow me whole trying to find a way to make it small and insignificant.
• I'm sleeping in one of the t shirts he left...still acting like none of this matters to me.
• The "help" I've always known I needed....I NEED.  But I'm terrified of what it will uncover and I am petrified to go through that darkness to find myself on the other side.  I'm so comfortable with the Me that is right now.  But look at me.
• I'm angry...fucked up childhoods led to a fucked up adult life. I kept saying I got past it and I'm fine but fuck that I'm not.  
• Look what life has done to me.  Look at what I've allowed life to do to me.

The peace and love that I so desperately desire doesn't allude me...I chase it and avoid it at the same time.  Crave it and fear it.  Need it and can't deal with it.  Had it and can't keep it.  

There is no proper way to end this thought process.  Yet if I've let you go with me this far why stop now?  

I need help...and I have no idea how to go about achieving it.  Whether you know me personally or not...if you can help...

please

Five Random Facts

Everything here doesn't have to be so deep and emotional.  So to lighten things up I've decided to share five random things about me.  I'm also going to attempt a 30 day challenge just like this.

• Ten years ago as I was leaving the water department after paying my bill, I noticed a small child standing in the driveway of her house across the street in only her night gown.  It was freezing rain during the month of January.  She was barefoot.  All of these things struck something in me and I went to see what was wrong.  Her house was on fire and she was the only one who had gotten out.  I put her in my car to stay warm and went into the house to help three more children, a mother and a few pets get out of the house before the fire department arrived.  I left when the police began to question the mother about why the kids weren't in school.
• I've never seen Kill Bill...any of them.  In fact, MOST of the movies you've seen and I do mean MOST... I have not.
• I've spent more time that I care to admit trying to understand how mirrors and cameras work.  Think real hard on that for a minute.  Yea...so I don't spend a lot of time in mirrors or take lots of pictures.
• As a kid I use to practice playing dead, navigating my house with my eyes closed/blindfolded to heighten my other sense, and other sorts of preparation.  I have no idea why but it has come in handy many many times.
• When a particular song hits my spirit I will play it on repeat for WEEKS.  Not sure if anyone else does this but it drives my kids crazy.

Yeah it was supposed to be TEN random things but this took long enough.  I can't think of any others that I want to share right now.

Bite me.

Queen

When you lost your job and was feeling terrible about life...when it felt like you had failed...when you thought that I would be disappointed....when you felt like life was once again pushing you backward...

You should have done what I was telling you to do ...come to me.  

Every King needs a Queen.

When it mattered the most...you focused on all that negativity

and forgot

about me.

Eternal Energy

We thought we had forever...

It felt as if we had arrived..same place, same time, right time, right place...

We began to struggle and all the while your light began to shine

I was and still am unable to accept love...so in anger I turned my back on US

Feeling alone, unsure, realizing the painful truth...

I did what I promised myself I'd never ever have to do...

Because I couldn't do what God was assigning me to do, I gave your light back...

And in doing so, fell into a darkness that I never knew existed within me...

I asked the giver of light to take mine, I felt unworthy to go on.  He was silent.  I begged.  He said NO.

And then I did what my grandmother has always told me to do...

There was nothing...not even the moon.  I thought surely this is the end.  It almost was.  I was suicidal.

The next day God showed me this...

And eventually I felt...hopeful that I would make it through

I promised...

Then finally found...

2/14/2012 - 4/10/2012 - 11/21/2012

One More Reason

Song Lyrics | Black Keys lyrics

that my soul absolutely adores his

Feel It

Close your eyes and take a deep breath and instantly get lost in it...

• his voice
• her smile
• children's laughter
• music
• smells/fragrances
• melodies
• colors
• emotions
• love
• anger
• life
• him
• her
• the sun and moon and stars and shit
• the thought of the next time you will see each other
• the grief imagining life without them
• losing them

Black Diamond

• been abandoned
• been alone
• been lost
• been molested
• been afraid
• been devastated
• been brokenhearted many times
• been raped
• been lied to
• been taken advantage of
• been lonely
• held against my will
• permanently marked
• been beaten
• been reduced
• been raped again
• been a victim
• been depressed
• been suicidal
• been made to believe I wasn't beautiful
• been raped one more time

I have been all those things and more.  Yet right this very moment....I am still here.  I still smile.  I still shine.  I'm still the me YOU thought you knew before you read this.

Should Have...

This is just a list of things that I should be able to say to him that I probably will never get to say:

• I should have always been completely honest with you.  I found that difficult to do because doing so would have meant constantly hurting your feelings.  I thought loving you involved protecting you and your feelings because you are so emotional.  I owe you a huge apology for that.
• I should have told you that I wasn't happy trying to figure out how to operate around and within your complex emotions.  I still tried though.  Mainly because I thought that was some of what love was all about.
• I should have never gotten involved with (you) my best friend.  If I hadn't allowed us to cross that line I would still have my best friend today.  It hurts that I don't.
• I should have never taken on the task of helping you get your life together.  I knew it would lead to me losing a bit of respect for you.  When I told myself that it wasn't smart to date "struggle dudes" I should have known right then that we wouldn't last.
• I should have let you leave when it was time for you to go back.  Maybe in the time that you were gone we would have both grown to a better place and then we could have tried our hand at love.
• I should have seen from the beginning that all the things you were so concerned that I may be doing that you were probably doing them yourself.
• I should have listened all those times something within me was saying that the whole thing wasn't right.  I kept putting it off on my fears or commitment issues.  
• I should have known that your issues were too big for me to assist you with.
• I shouldn't have held back on you the way that I did.  Emotions are not my strong point and I am not good at letting go.  When you kept complaining about that I denied it was an issue but now I realize that you were right.
• I should have stressed to you more that I am not good with relationships.  My standards are basic but non negotiable.
• I should have told you that my three strike rule is ingrained.  Its just how my emotions work.  
• I should have been completely honest and mentioned that we never seemed to be compatible sexually.  I wanted so bad for it to be but it wasn't.  When you'd pick up on it I minimized it because I thought that I was just exceptionally difficult to please.  That's not true but I was just hoping that eventually everything would get better.  
• I should find a way to tell you that despite that fact that I now realize that we are not meant to be with each other that I still love you and that I miss my friend.
• I should remember that I did tell you that but your so caught up in your emotions that you don't realize that you are losing a really good friend.
• I should have told you that it pissed me off that I loaned you money for you and you gave it to your mother to pay her bills.  It made me think "wow, so now I'm helping him AND his momma" and that took a few respect points away as well.  But I kept quiet.  I didn't want to rock the boat.  I know things can get pretty touchy when it comes to a man's mother.
• I should have told you it bothered me that you put the car in your step fathers name as if you were afraid we'd fall apart and I'd want it back.  I didn't because I realized that in your history things like that happened.  I don't work that way though.  I wanted nothing but for you to succeed.  I bought you that car because without it you wouldn't have been able to get on your feet.  I wouldn't take it back.  I'm glad you have it and I hope it helps.  I'm canceling your insurance soon though.  We're cool but not that cool.
• I should have told you more often that I had a lot of fun with you.  I truly enjoyed your company and conversation.  
• I should have told you more often how sexy you are.  Even though you kept saying that you needed/wanted to lose weight I loved you just the way you were.  You were prefect to me.  Your skin...flawless and the perfect shade of dark chocolate.  Your eyes though full of pain showed such light.  Your laugh always made me smile.  
• I should have mentioned that I loved the way you said my name.  I'm going to miss hearing you call me "baby".
• I should have known that it would end up like this. 
• I should let you know that I have learned SO much in this time that we attempted to love each other.  So much about me.  You've helped me grow and helped me see a different side of the world.  You've taught me so much.  I will be forever grateful for that.  You showed me how strong I really am.  By not being there when I thought I needed you the most you taught me that I am so much more great that I ever thought I was.  

There are so many things that I should have said or done.  Ultimately I have to understand why we are no more and what to do so that I don't make these same mistakes in the future.  Either way, I should thank you.  If for nothing else but for being you.  

Lesson Learned.