Until Its Gone

That saying will always hold true...you don't know what you have until its gone.  For me its a little more than that.  See I think slightly higher of myself than I should.  That's not me taking a stab at my own self esteem.  I should attempt to explain...

When he knows your secrets

When he knows every flaw

When he wakes up and thinks of you 

When he prays for you daily

When he goes to bed thinking of you

When he calls you every chance he gets every day

When he goes out of his way to show you love

When he tells you how he feels about you multiple times a day

When he is willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy

When he keeps your car cleaner than his own

When he cooks and cleans and does YOUR laundry

When he loves your kids and says they are his too

When he puts up with your sometimey cat

When he buys you flowers every chance he gets

When he rubs your temples when you have a headache

When he shares his food with you even though you don't share yours

When he irons your work clothes for you

When he runs your bath water and puts rose petals in it

When he writes you poems

When he holds you tight after you make love and you notice a tear or two

When he wears those ridiculous bikini briefs that you think are sexy but are really uncomfortable

I could go on like this for a while but I think you understand what I mean.  He is not perfect by a long shot but neither am I. When I stop and realize that I have what so many woman dream about....I smile.   He may not ever be rich.  He may not ever be able to fly me off to a foreign land or anything else extravagant.  Our credit scores are as close to each other as our birthdays.  That's hilarious.  All of the things he is not is nothing compared to all the things he is.

So I had to check myself.  Seriously.

• He loves my hair...even when I don't
• My skin is a mess.  From stretch marks to dark spots from allergic rashes from childhood, etc.
• I bite the skin around my nails (anxiety)
• I'll never be skinny.  I don't even want to be
• I'm dark skinned in a world that believes we aren't beautiful
• I have two kids by two different men
• My oldest is no where near independent and she should be
• I rarely sleep peacefully which means when he's here he can't either
• I fart in my sleep.  *shrugs* 
• I have medical issues
• I'm a smartass since birth. 
• I'm unemployed at the moment
• My relationship with my family is not what it should be

I wont go on and on but you get the idea.  Those are true statements not me taking stabs at myself.  The point is, through all of that truth...he loved me anyway.  None of those things stopped him from seeing my beauty, my brains, my heart, etc.  Yet all it took was me "thinking" something wasn't right and I shut down shop and put the closed sign up. 

Yea...I was trippin.