- I was so busy making sure that he wasn't able to hurt me that I never let him in...which hurt him. Tremendously.
- Once you turn your back on someone...no matter how many times you apologize and explain yourself they may never hear you or allow you back in.
- Once we got to a point where we weren't connecting anymore...it was just a matter of time. I was too busy thinking "its him he's too emotional" that I didn't stop to see what I was doing to cause the problem
- You can't shut the door on someone when your angry and then later return to open it when you feel better expecting them to be there waiting on you.
- He's forever closed off to me...can't hear a word I'm saying as I try to explain and understand and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.
- I am an emotional control freak.
- I will shut down and cease all operations when I feel my emotions are threatened and there is nothing you can do about it.
- I will then come at you later on once I feel ready to deal with it expecting you to be ready also.
- I am who I am...I refuse to apologize for that ever again.
- I will attempt to be better at this but ultimately the one person in the world who is "my one" if that even exists anymore is either going to be strong enough to maneuver within that or assist me with it.
- Or I am going to die alone with a cat.
- He said some words to me that truly hit home "I could have walked away from you many times and I didn't. Times when another man would have jumped on you (he is speaking on something no one knows about but he and I) but I never walked away. Times when I should have and wanted to give up and I didn't...but you so easily said to me ::We have nothing to talk about I'm done". and then he was silent as if to allow that to sink into my controlling head. He was right.
- I wanted him to be there for me after I took away from him the only thing he felt he had from me...what little emotion I had ever shared. How does that make sense?
- I understand now.
- Our relationship was killed by cause and effect.
- As I type this I am realizing that my need to control everything around me to keep my sanity has removed the one thing I worked so hard to keep...my best friend.
- That feels like lose sanity to gain love...that can't be right.
- He is not completely blameless...we just saw every situation from a completely different angle.
- When you are not on the same page, you can regroup and get it together.
- When you are not even at the same library or reading in the same language...its over.
- It would have been easier to be angry, say it was all his fault and skip past this like it wasn't significant. I won't lie to myself. For the first time in my life I had somebody who loved me the way I had always dreamed I'd be loved....and it was more than I could handle.
- What I called "too emotional"...wasn't that at all.
- Even my attempt to "let's be friends" is nothing more than another attempt to control.
- I don't know how to not be this way.
- To love someone as completely as I thought I did, why or how was it so easy for me to shut down? Because its all I know.
- I needed him...but did all I could to make it so he didn't realize it. Tonight I struggled to convey that to him and he was silent. I thought it was because he was feeling my words and my tears....it was because he's being a stone wall. The wall I built.
- Right now I'm trying to live my life like he wasn't significant to me. How is that living in the truth I keep saying I live in? Its not.
- I'm STILL right this moment while I'm floating in these emotions that are attempting to swallow me whole trying to find a way to make it small and insignificant.
- I'm sleeping in one of the t shirts he left...still acting like none of this matters to me.
- The "help" I've always known I needed....I NEED. But I'm terrified of what it will uncover and I am petrified to go through that darkness to find myself on the other side. I'm so comfortable with the Me that is right now. But look at me.
- I'm angry...fucked up childhoods led to a fucked up adult life. I kept saying I got past it and I'm fine but fuck that I'm not.
Look what life has done to me.Look at what I've allowed life to do to me.
The peace and love that I so desperately desire doesn't allude me...I chase it and avoid it at the same time. Crave it and fear it. Need it and can't deal with it. Had it and can't keep it.
There is no proper way to end this thought process. Yet if I've let you go with me this far why stop now?
I need help...and I have no idea how to go about achieving it. Whether you know me personally or not...if you can help...
please
Wow! That is a lot. I have been there but for different reasons and different causes, but, it's all too familiar. "Time" is always the best answer, as it really does the trick. Having been there, I know that word has absolutely no meaning to you right now. All that can be done at this point is for us to hear you for as long as you need to reveal and steadfastly feed you encouragement. You must, however, keep it in your head that you are never alone. V.
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